The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The road to success is always under construction.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits He`s lost?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass.
The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.