Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe
Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."
Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana
Q: Why must we bow at the end of a meditation period?
A: Ho Chi Zen: "To thank God it's over."
A student once asked Zen teacher Steve Allen,
"If you were given a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?"
"To stop wishing," replied Allen.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.
Health Benefits of Meditation: Don't Just Do Something, Sit There!
Q: How much "ego" do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus.
Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.
Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.
What is nirvana?
"Nothing happens next. This is it." said the old monk to the young one.